I'm sitting outside right now, fresh off my 45th birthday. I'm looking at the moss that has grown on my pots and my overgrown shrubs and the paint peeling off my house and wondering what I've been doing for the last couple of years. When I realized I didn't have a very good answer, I decided it was time to write something down.
I used to look at New Year's Eve as some sort of cathartic night that you set out to make goals for your life, change your shortcomings and make things happen. Today, I wonder why I chose that day and not my birthday. Turning 45, and things that have transpired on and around my birthday, are causing me to turn my thoughts to what is important in life and what we are doing here. I suppose we all do that...maybe not. I do. Today I'm wondering what I'm waiting for? I've been spending my time, since Taylor's been gone, trying to figure out what to do with my life. By the looks of my house and my yard, I feel like that's all I've been doing. Waiting for something. But what am I waiting for?
I keep making excuses like, I can't afford to start over. I don't have experience or credentials or whatever it is that prevents me from doing...what? I can't even figure out WHAT it is that I'm waiting for to happen. Even sitting down to write this post has caused me to have a mini crisis because I don't know how I'll finish this post because I don't know what my point is.
I saw a thing on Facebook today that said something like "Don't worry about feeling lost. That means you're about ready to start doing things your way." I hope I figure out what my way is pretty soon because I think I'm lost so this must be just around the corner.
Family = people you love whether you like them or not. Just a random thought.
Peace out - I've got to plant some seeds!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Thursday, January 31, 2013
No point really
Taylor left me again, only this time she is really far away. The Happiest Place on Earth hasn't been so happy for her yet but I think once her roommates figure out how to act like adults, things will go a little better. Nothing like having someone scream in your face about food that doesn't even belong to them that should have been thrown out days ago. The joys of being a 20 year old.
I went to my first book club tonight. It may be a writing club, I'm not entirely sure yet. I posted a link to this blog on my profile page and for some reason this makes me nervous that people that really write things are reading what I'm saying and noticing that I used the word that four times in this sentence alone. I totally did that on purpose. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and I think I will go back. I have no idea what I'm doing with myself right now so trying out new and inspiring things is positive. Drinking for four days straight like I did in Whistler last weekend - not positive. Super fun, but not productive.
Taylor and I have had a lot of adventures this past year but I've been a bad blogger. We went to New York for Thanksgiving again and I have to say I love that place. Not as much as London, but right up there in my top three. I'll talk about our trip another day just to have it recorded for my failing mind. I'm not even 45 yet, why is my mind failing already? Oh yeah, Whistler.
So, nothing very deep to say today other than I hope Taylor starts having a little more fun in Disneyland. (Totally just removed a THAT from my sentence- BAM) I'm going to keep busy so my very quiet house doesn't turn me into a crazy cat lady. May be too late, how do you know when you've become a crazy cat lady? Stay tuned I guess. I think later this week I'll learn how to blog from my phone. Then things will really get nuts!
I went to my first book club tonight. It may be a writing club, I'm not entirely sure yet. I posted a link to this blog on my profile page and for some reason this makes me nervous that people that really write things are reading what I'm saying and noticing that I used the word that four times in this sentence alone. I totally did that on purpose. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and I think I will go back. I have no idea what I'm doing with myself right now so trying out new and inspiring things is positive. Drinking for four days straight like I did in Whistler last weekend - not positive. Super fun, but not productive.
Taylor and I have had a lot of adventures this past year but I've been a bad blogger. We went to New York for Thanksgiving again and I have to say I love that place. Not as much as London, but right up there in my top three. I'll talk about our trip another day just to have it recorded for my failing mind. I'm not even 45 yet, why is my mind failing already? Oh yeah, Whistler.
So, nothing very deep to say today other than I hope Taylor starts having a little more fun in Disneyland. (Totally just removed a THAT from my sentence- BAM) I'm going to keep busy so my very quiet house doesn't turn me into a crazy cat lady. May be too late, how do you know when you've become a crazy cat lady? Stay tuned I guess. I think later this week I'll learn how to blog from my phone. Then things will really get nuts!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Moving
I am sitting at my desk in my office. It is moving week here and things are a little chaotic to say the least. I find it important to sit and reflect when leaving one space to go to another. A lot has happened at this desk and in this space.
When I got here, I was the mother of a high school student and very busy athlete. Our weekends were full of tournaments and family events and school activities. Today, I am the mother of a college student. Our days aren't quite as busy but we are doing different things. I came to this desk the day after graduation and finally cried about my daughter growing up. The time didn't come until I got back here the day after it was all over and I finally had a minute to myself to realize what had just happened.
I was at this desk when Michael Jackson died, when Obama won the election and when he was inaugurated. I was here when the housing market crashed in '08 and through (I think) 3 different iPhone models.
I planned my trip to Europe from this desk and then came back here and sat dreamily, wishing that I didn't have to come back. I got back together with a boyfriend, only to break-up again and then sat here for a while thinking about his new stupid, ugly girlfriend and their wedding that happend last February. I sent my daughter to college, which wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. But she wasn't very far away. In my new space, I'm going to be sending her to California. I'm guessing that will be a little bit harder.
I started dancing again and I learned how to decorate cakes.
People have died, children have been born, friends have come and gone. This has been a nice place and a lot of really great things, and a few sad things, have happened here. The new space is bound to be a new adventure. Our building was built before Washington was a State and it has a lot of character. I get to look out my window and watch the Elks building transform into a new Tacoma destination. In the next five years I could get married, or Taylor could. I could sell my house and move to California. My parents may sell my childhood home and I may never go there again. I feel nervous about the next five years for some reason...but will head in with good thoughts. At the end of the day...isn't that what we are here for - The next adventure? Here we go!
When I got here, I was the mother of a high school student and very busy athlete. Our weekends were full of tournaments and family events and school activities. Today, I am the mother of a college student. Our days aren't quite as busy but we are doing different things. I came to this desk the day after graduation and finally cried about my daughter growing up. The time didn't come until I got back here the day after it was all over and I finally had a minute to myself to realize what had just happened.
I was at this desk when Michael Jackson died, when Obama won the election and when he was inaugurated. I was here when the housing market crashed in '08 and through (I think) 3 different iPhone models.
I planned my trip to Europe from this desk and then came back here and sat dreamily, wishing that I didn't have to come back. I got back together with a boyfriend, only to break-up again and then sat here for a while thinking about his new stupid, ugly girlfriend and their wedding that happend last February. I sent my daughter to college, which wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. But she wasn't very far away. In my new space, I'm going to be sending her to California. I'm guessing that will be a little bit harder.
I started dancing again and I learned how to decorate cakes.
People have died, children have been born, friends have come and gone. This has been a nice place and a lot of really great things, and a few sad things, have happened here. The new space is bound to be a new adventure. Our building was built before Washington was a State and it has a lot of character. I get to look out my window and watch the Elks building transform into a new Tacoma destination. In the next five years I could get married, or Taylor could. I could sell my house and move to California. My parents may sell my childhood home and I may never go there again. I feel nervous about the next five years for some reason...but will head in with good thoughts. At the end of the day...isn't that what we are here for - The next adventure? Here we go!
Friday, June 1, 2012
I had so much to say when I had the idea to post today. Unfortunately I'm now very close to take-off and I just figured out how to do this again. The wonders of modern technology-sometimes they take a whole lot to figure out. Does that make me old?
Speaking of old, I'm on my way to Vegas to celebrate a friend's 50th Birthday. That wouldn't be so bad but as I'm typing this, I realize that I have a number of friends that are already 50. This ain't no thang! I think 50 is the new 30 which makes 40 the new 20. Dear God, I don't have the energy to do my 20s again.
Here we go...airplane mode :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Time
My neighbor passed away last night. She was the 54 year old mother to my daughter's best friend and she is gone. She wasn't sick, she didn't have an incurable disease or give us any warning. She went in for a routine surgery to repair some muscles in her arm - and she died three days later.
It is easy to let the day go by and not be sad because honestly, I hardly ever talked to her and now...I feel sad about that. As we all are, I was so busy living my life and making sure I was in the right places and doing the right things that I feel like I didn't take the time to check in with her nearly enough. After Taylor went to school and both of our girls were gone, I was so busy trying to sort out my life and I didn't take the time to think that maybe she wanted to talk or needed a friend. I know this sounds like one of those emails that you get and delete because you are sick of hearing it - but you don't get a second chance sometimes.
Tonight I was sitting at my desk putting together a slideshow of a life that I really knew very little about. I think what is making me cry now is that looking at all these pictures of my neighbor, I realize that we had more in common than I ever realized. We were both moms, with moms that we loved and children that mean the world to us. We both sent our children away to college and struggled with the new life alone without them and wanted what was best for them out there. I am lucky enough to have my mother to go to for moral support and advice. She lost her mother a couple of years ago and I'm just now finding out how horribly sad she still was about this. Her husband works nights and she was really so very alone right across the street from me. I managed to fill up my evenings with dance and friends and new hobbies and I didn't invite her or take the time to see how her journey was coming along.
I don't have a clever wrap-up because I'm sort of crying and typing as this emotional outburst was a little unexpected tonight. What I think I'm trying to say is simple - take time to be interested in those around you and don't take time for granted. I am deeply saddened for this family left behind and wish that I had more comforting words for them. I wish I had taken more time to talk to Tracy and know more about her but I just didn't. I listened...but I didn't hear. Why? Because she talked too much or she told long stories or...who knows. What I know is that our street is going to be a lot quieter and a lot less interesting without her presence. She was one of a kind but I think that deep down she wasn't that much different than the rest of us. I will do my best to teach her daughter the things I think she would want her to know from here on out...but I wish I didn't have to.
It is easy to let the day go by and not be sad because honestly, I hardly ever talked to her and now...I feel sad about that. As we all are, I was so busy living my life and making sure I was in the right places and doing the right things that I feel like I didn't take the time to check in with her nearly enough. After Taylor went to school and both of our girls were gone, I was so busy trying to sort out my life and I didn't take the time to think that maybe she wanted to talk or needed a friend. I know this sounds like one of those emails that you get and delete because you are sick of hearing it - but you don't get a second chance sometimes.
Tonight I was sitting at my desk putting together a slideshow of a life that I really knew very little about. I think what is making me cry now is that looking at all these pictures of my neighbor, I realize that we had more in common than I ever realized. We were both moms, with moms that we loved and children that mean the world to us. We both sent our children away to college and struggled with the new life alone without them and wanted what was best for them out there. I am lucky enough to have my mother to go to for moral support and advice. She lost her mother a couple of years ago and I'm just now finding out how horribly sad she still was about this. Her husband works nights and she was really so very alone right across the street from me. I managed to fill up my evenings with dance and friends and new hobbies and I didn't invite her or take the time to see how her journey was coming along.
I don't have a clever wrap-up because I'm sort of crying and typing as this emotional outburst was a little unexpected tonight. What I think I'm trying to say is simple - take time to be interested in those around you and don't take time for granted. I am deeply saddened for this family left behind and wish that I had more comforting words for them. I wish I had taken more time to talk to Tracy and know more about her but I just didn't. I listened...but I didn't hear. Why? Because she talked too much or she told long stories or...who knows. What I know is that our street is going to be a lot quieter and a lot less interesting without her presence. She was one of a kind but I think that deep down she wasn't that much different than the rest of us. I will do my best to teach her daughter the things I think she would want her to know from here on out...but I wish I didn't have to.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Live Me
So it has been quite some time since my last post. Taylor has been at school for almost a month now and only home three times. I didn't think I would get through a paragraph without crying for the first few days so I thought best to give the blog a rest. I think we are both getting settled in our new lives and we only talk in the evenings and somtimes just to say good night before one of us turns off the tv.
I was texting her last night and, as usual, I ended our conversation with a familiar sign off - Love you. I type these two words to my daughter at least twice a day. For some reason, instead of listening to me and doing what I say, my phone seems to have a mind of its own. Instead of Love you, my phone keeps putting up Live you. Like so many other times, I corrected my text and hit send, but then I started thinking that my phone was trying to tell me something.
All these years I have been doing just that - living Taylor. I loved every day, all her games, school functions and every other thing that being a mom entitled me to attend with my child. I never really thought of activities as obligations or chores or things I had to do because I was a mom. These were things I got to do because I was a mom. Sure, I didn't always think like this when she was little and the children were more difficult. I really did Live Taylor...but not so much me.
Now, she is off making her way and I am here, struggling to re-join mine. I'm not sure that I was really on my way anywhere when she came into my life so this is kind of like my first adventure alone too. We are both sort of on the same road at the same time, which is strange but exciting.
So many mothers that I have talked to over the last month have confirmed that I am not alone in this strange new world. It's a place that we aren't really warned about that I like to call the "now what" phase of motherhood. What is my purpose, where am I going to devote all my free time now that I don't have soccer games to watch, what am I supposed to eat for dinner every night (ok, that one doesn't apply to everyone). I want to start a blog where we can share ideas and learn from each other how to navigate out of this oh so quiet time and figure out something important to do with ourselves. There are a lot of women out there with a lot of good energy that can accomplish so much if we put our heads together.
I don't know how to do all that website, public blog stuff quite yet...but I think this might be my project. The book isn't coming along as fast as it should. I haven't started - but I have a lot of ideas. Plus I still have those notebooks. Anyway, the point is, now is the time to Live ME. I get to decide if I want to go to Ballet or take a painting class or learn to Salsa. There are too many choices and without learning from others, I feel like I'll just be searching forever. Hopefully I can pull this together...stay tuned. Well, don't really wait around, you know how I am - great ideas, now so great follow through :)
Good night.
I was texting her last night and, as usual, I ended our conversation with a familiar sign off - Love you. I type these two words to my daughter at least twice a day. For some reason, instead of listening to me and doing what I say, my phone seems to have a mind of its own. Instead of Love you, my phone keeps putting up Live you. Like so many other times, I corrected my text and hit send, but then I started thinking that my phone was trying to tell me something.
All these years I have been doing just that - living Taylor. I loved every day, all her games, school functions and every other thing that being a mom entitled me to attend with my child. I never really thought of activities as obligations or chores or things I had to do because I was a mom. These were things I got to do because I was a mom. Sure, I didn't always think like this when she was little and the children were more difficult. I really did Live Taylor...but not so much me.
Now, she is off making her way and I am here, struggling to re-join mine. I'm not sure that I was really on my way anywhere when she came into my life so this is kind of like my first adventure alone too. We are both sort of on the same road at the same time, which is strange but exciting.
So many mothers that I have talked to over the last month have confirmed that I am not alone in this strange new world. It's a place that we aren't really warned about that I like to call the "now what" phase of motherhood. What is my purpose, where am I going to devote all my free time now that I don't have soccer games to watch, what am I supposed to eat for dinner every night (ok, that one doesn't apply to everyone). I want to start a blog where we can share ideas and learn from each other how to navigate out of this oh so quiet time and figure out something important to do with ourselves. There are a lot of women out there with a lot of good energy that can accomplish so much if we put our heads together.
I don't know how to do all that website, public blog stuff quite yet...but I think this might be my project. The book isn't coming along as fast as it should. I haven't started - but I have a lot of ideas. Plus I still have those notebooks. Anyway, the point is, now is the time to Live ME. I get to decide if I want to go to Ballet or take a painting class or learn to Salsa. There are too many choices and without learning from others, I feel like I'll just be searching forever. Hopefully I can pull this together...stay tuned. Well, don't really wait around, you know how I am - great ideas, now so great follow through :)
Good night.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thank you Irene
I'm sure that isn't a very common headline for many people but this thought just occurred to me while emptying my dishwasher. (something I'm sure I'm doing incorrectly according to my daughter) Irene is a blessing!
A good friend of mine is due to head East this weekend to do something many of my friends are dreading. She is taking her son to college in the midst of the largest natural disaster to hit the East Coast in decades. Some say, oh no, how terrible, how dangerous. I say, bring it! While worrying about the storm and the changed travel plans and the power outages, I am guessing that she has had two, or three days less to think about how sad she is going to be leaving her child at school.
I know that while we have been chatting about the storm and her getting there, I have worried less about leaving my child at school next week. Distractions are wonderful tools to draw us away from the things that are most troubling. For the most part, we can't cause our own distractions so today I say...thank you Irene :)
A good friend of mine is due to head East this weekend to do something many of my friends are dreading. She is taking her son to college in the midst of the largest natural disaster to hit the East Coast in decades. Some say, oh no, how terrible, how dangerous. I say, bring it! While worrying about the storm and the changed travel plans and the power outages, I am guessing that she has had two, or three days less to think about how sad she is going to be leaving her child at school.
I know that while we have been chatting about the storm and her getting there, I have worried less about leaving my child at school next week. Distractions are wonderful tools to draw us away from the things that are most troubling. For the most part, we can't cause our own distractions so today I say...thank you Irene :)
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